this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
