we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
