It's Friday. Sex?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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