I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
