Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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