I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Are we still banned from the library?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
