I'm drive I can fine osifer
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
