So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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