Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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