Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
