I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Randomize
