You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
