haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
