yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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