im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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