i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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