I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
My bed is full of blood and feathers
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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