i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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