You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
