Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
