Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
