Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
