I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
