Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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