I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
