im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
