Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
