Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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