When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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