just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
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