He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
