Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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