I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
