she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
