I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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