Tell her she can't have a vagina
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
