Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
