i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
