This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
