Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
It was confusing and full of hummus
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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