i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
