3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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