I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
