did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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