Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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