Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
