ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
