I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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