just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
