i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
